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I Will Praise You in This Storm

I’ve been putting this post off for days. I’ve been thinking the words through in my head countless times. I’ve tried to figure out the best way to share this. I’ve tried to figure out how to best share my heart, even though it’s so raw. Let’s just say I have yet to figure out how to do that. However, I know many of you are waiting for an update and I’m hoping that by writing this out, it will prove therapeutic for me as well....so bear with me, here it goes....

For a number of weeks I have felt ‘defeated by life’. Probably more appropriately worded as under the attack of Satan. I have no doubt in my mind that Satan has been firing full force at GL and myself, though for days I’ve questioned God as to why He’s putting us through all this stuff. I don’t have the answer and it’s not for me to question God, as I know everything happens for a reason……but right now, it just sucks! It just seems like GL and I have been facing one hurdle after the next and rather large hurdles at that.

This past Friday I was driving to work after a completely overwhelming week already and heard the song by Casting Crowns “I Will Praise You in This Storm”.

I remembered thinking to myself, God I know I need to praise you in this storm, through all these hurdles, but….I’m struggling. Little did I know I would be challenged even further that day, more than I could imagine.

Friday, July 10, 2009 I let go of my heart dog, Duke. It was a day I’d always dreaded and knew would never be easy. But I never imagined it would be right now, right then and never under these circumstances. Duke just turned 7 on June 28. Duke’s been with me since he was a tiny pup and we’ve been through the 'ringer' a number of times. Duke was there for me with unconditional love when I needed it the most. Duke never left my side when I was sick or upset. Duke was my protector and my most faithful friend.

I cried and wept over loosing him all weekend, my heart absolutely just aches. I miss him more than words could express and feel a vast array of emotions. I questioned my decision all weekend, though I know in my head I made the right decision, my heart isn’t there yet. I know with time the pain will lessen and the void won’t seem to huge, but Duke will forever hold a big piece of my heart.

You are probably wondering what in the world happened….well, allow me to digress a moment and attempt to share. As many of you know GL had his 2 boys, Bo & Ryan (Lab/Rot mixes) and I had Duke and my 3 girls. To make a really long story short, the boys have had issues adjusting to living with each other from the very beginning. We’ve tried everything from crates, no special privileges, bringing a trainer in and going to class and we still managed to have dog fights despite our best efforts. Last week Thursday evening for some reason Duke turned on Bo. I don’t know why, but he did. GL got them apart and Duke went back for more. GL got them apart again and I was taking Bo out of the room while Duke was still in fight mode and GL was trying to lay on him to get him to stop. At some point during that time Duke bit GL’s hand pretty good. After a trip to the ER and 6 stitches later to “hold things in place until you see the hand surgeon” we were back home and Duke acted as if nothing had ever happened, which bothered me. Not to mention he’d now bitten GL and this was an issue for me. I was also at my limit and knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. Life was stressful at home walking on eggshells worried when the next dog fight would be, never being able to let my guard down. I knew in my heart I had a decision to make about Duke and didn’t want to do it. The Duke I knew and loved had snapped. This was no longer the Duke I knew. And in my gut I knew something else was going on inside of him though vets couldn’t seem to find anything, he never seemed comfortable, always stressed and on edge. So I made the decision to put him down. I felt this was the most responsible thing for me to do after weighing other options and discussing it with others. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Saying goodbye to my forever faithful friend. Duke went extremely quickly and peacefully with myself, GL and my parents surrounding him. He loved my dad and this was also especially difficult for my dad as well. I had to make sure that I was the last face Duke saw and had to make sure the last words he heard was ‘I love you’.

Duke was and forever will be my baby. He was my first dog, my first pup and he stole my heart even though I didn’t really want him. Through all his health problems and in everything I’ve walked through he’s always been at my side. They say in life you have one dog that is your ‘heart dog’….the one that captures your heart and so much more. This was Duke for me, I know there will never be another one quite like him. Even on the days when he truly annoyed the crap out of me, my love for him never changed. The grief of letting him go has been immeasurable… indescribable. But, I have to remind myself that he’s at peace and no one can hurt him and he can’t hurt anyone either. I have wept and cried endless tears. I’ll have my moments of doing ok and then I get slammed by something catching me totally off guard and I’m overwhelmed with grief. It sounds awful, but being home this past weekend was just tough, so I tried to get out, go places….I needed distractions. GL has never left my side (though from time to time a little doped on pain meds) and he’s been with me through all of this. Unfortunately, because he just walked through this with Ryan, we can relate more than we’d like. It has proved to bring us even closer, even through all the hurt and pain. I also just feel the need to interject here on GL's behalf and say that this was a decision I made on my own. GL supported me either way. He did not tell me one way or the other what to do. I'm sure for some of you your minds are all over the place since you've not met GL and let me say....don't go there! (that was in a loving tone) GL could also see that something wasn't right with Duke, but he did not push me to make this decision.

I honestly don’t know if dogs go to Heaven, but I can tell you what, I sure hope and pray they do :) I’ve seen this poem before and wanted to share…

Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

~Author unknown...

Sunday morning we went to church at Central Wesleyan (if you click on that link you can listen to the message) and Dan Seaborn was preaching who I always enjoy. He was a bit fired up this sermon, but basically what his message boiled down to was how much do you trust God? Wow! I felt like he was talking directly to me! I had laid in bed Saturday night just crying, thinking to myself, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get through this and in my head I could hear “you don’t have to do this in your own strength….lean on me….let me help you….TRUST me!” Some of you may think I’m crazy for needing strength from God to work through the grief of loosing my dog, but he was like a kid to me, he was a family member. It’s a huge loss for me. God was speaking to me Sunday morning and I couldn’t not listen.

It's been one week since this all unfolded and the pain and loss stings less today than it did yesterday and the day before. I know time will help to heal the hurt. I don’t wish to forget Duke in anyway, he was one of the best things that came into my life. I truly believe God knew those years I needed him and Duke was there, he never let me down. He drove me nuts from time to time, but his unconditional love for me never wavered. He was my faithful companion and I could not have asked for a more wonderful friend. While the pain may be a bit less, I still have my moments of tears from time to time and I don't think I will ever stop missing him.

I’d like to think that Duke knew GL was now in my life to take care of me and love me. Maybe Duke knew long before I did that his job was over and he could finally stop fighting. I’ve known for a long time that Duke seemingly had undetermined health problems that we just couldn’t manage and I believe he fought hard the years when I needed him most. Even though Duke didn’t leave his earth on his own accord, he was at rest and in peace and I needed to see that. He is no longer stressed, anxious, or having to take care of me. Yes, I suppose this might be my attempt to justify my decision, but whatever the case may be, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Duke knew I loved him.

Today I find myself reminded of this verse in Hebrews 2:18: Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested. Might I still praise God during this storm.

My beloved Duke – I have loved you with a love that I didn’t know was possible for a human to love a dog. You stood by me and put your paw on me when you knew I was sick or upset. You curled up in bed with me through many sleepless and lonely nights. You were my protector and the man of the house. You watched over me and your little sisters. You were a mama’s boy by far….but your grandpa loved you and you loved him! I always said you’d probably choose him over me because he spoiled you endlessly. You gave me 7 years of unconditional love and I’m forever grateful. You will forever be mama’s boy and have my heart. I will love you everyday for the rest of my life. I will never forget you. I believe you fought through many years of pain, when you could’ve given up, but you fought for me. I miss you horribly, but take comfort in knowing you are now at rest and peaceful, no more pain, and you are safe.
All my love to you sweet boy…..always and forever!
~Mommy

A Stairway to Heaven
Author: unknown
If Tears Could Build A Stairway

And Memories A Lane

I’d Walk Right Up To Heaven

And Bring You Home Again

Happy Independence Day!

Happy 4th of July!

I dug up some great pictures of GL and wanted to honor him this Independence Day (and trust me finding pics of him is not easy). As I've mentioned a few times before I'm so very proud of him and honored to stand beside him in life. I am so much more aware of my freedom and love my solider more than words could ever express.

This 4th of July we will be celebrating at my parents house with friends and family. I'm so very much looking forward to a wonderful time.

Enjoy the following pictures of my handsome solider :)

Check out all this hair!!!!!!
GL warns me the quality of these aren't the greatest as they are snapping pics with some pretty crappy cameras!

And the most recent picture of this First Sargent of mine. The serious face just cracks me up....I told him this picture makes him look old :) hehehe

Lastly I leave you with another tribute video I found. I have always enjoyed this song and have always respected those who fight for my freedom, but I have a new found respect for them now. And more than ever....I'm proud to be an American!

Engagement Pics

Me and my handsome future husband!

Bandanas for sale!

Some of you might be aware that I recently stopped my website Hope's Smile. It was costing too much to maintain the website and I just wasn't selling enough to justify the cost. While I'm saddened to see this end, as I was excited about the business endeavor, I still have some bandanas left that I'm willing to sell at a reduced cost.

Below are pictures of the bandanas still available (please note: colors on your screen may vary from the material color).

Denim w/ red letters:

Yellow w/ black letters:

Red w/ black letters:

Purple w/ white letters:

Pink w/ black letters:

Green w/ white letters:

Blue w/ white letters:

Stars w/ yellow letters:

Bandana sizes:

• Small - Fits neck size 8 - 14 inches
• Medium - Fits neck size 10 - 20 inches
• Large - Fits neck size 16 - 26 inches

*Measuring Instructions: Please carefully measure your dog around the lowest area of the neck. Allow enough room to tie the bandana.

Sale pricing:

Small - $3

Med - $4

Large - $5

Please email me at kylea_duke@hotmail.com to place an order or with any questions.

Happy Birthday Phalin!

Phalin is 4 today! It doesn't seem possible that this baby is already 4! Phalin came to live with me in October of 2006. She is the girl that I co-own with her breeder, Alice Dunn in Hamilton, MI. Phalin is a blessing to have around. While she has her times of being "high-maintenance", she as sweet as pie. Her daddy calls her "Princess" and I think it fits her well. She's a wonderful mom and did amazingly well with her first litter last fall. She was also surrogate mom to Faith and I will always believe that Phalin's role is partially why Faith survived.

Happy Birthday precious Phalin...we look forward to many, many more wonderful years ahead. We love you to pieces little one :)
~Mommy & Daddy

Thankful Thursday and updates....

How is it that Thursday's always come so fast!?!?!? I have yet to figure that out. Well, I suppose it might have something to do with the crazy schedule and pace that I seem to be sporting lately. Between work, wedding plans, dog issues, GL gone for Army stuff, and more wedding plans the time is quickly slipping away from me. 78 days until the wedding! Holy smokes!

This Thursday here are just a few of the things I am thankful and grateful for!

• Today my parents are celebrating 35 years of marriage! Congrats Mom & Dad!


• Today my grandmother is celebrating her 78th birthday! Wow! Happy Birthday Grandma!


• We met with our florist for the wedding and planned out all the details last week. I'm really excited about the flowers and think they are going to look great. Plus it's nice to have the detail out of the way!


• We met yesterday with the pastor who is going to marry us. He's a dear family friend and I'm so thrilled to have him marry us. Thanks Marc!


• We met with our photographer last night and we are thrilled to be working with her. Our original photographer bailed on us and so I went scrambling to find someone else. Kerry came recommended to me by my friend Kristi (thanks a million girl). Kerry is absolutely full of life and energy and I know she's going to be a blast to work with. We had a great meeting last night and I just know we are going to have some awesome pictures in the end! Kerry's business is called Images of Essence, check out her amazing work here: http://www.imagesofessence.com/

On a few different notes and for a few more updates......

• Last week we started Duke & Bo in an obedience class. Not that they don't know general obedience commands (well, actually after class last week one might begin to think they didn't have clue) but to make them listen to us and be civil together. GL is working with Duke (my boy) and I'm working with Bo (his boy). GL's boys listen to him, but aren't real interested in listening to me and Duke isn't real interested in listening to GL. So that's the main goal here, well and for them to get along :)


• GL was let go from his job 'officially' last week. It's been 'unofficial' for a few weeks, meaning they didn't have work, but didn't let him go. Fortunately, now they did and he's hoping to be able to collect unemployment now. He is in the process of applying for a Corrections Officer job in Kalamazoo. We'd so much appreciate your prayers during this time!


• We also recently received more information regarding GL's Army duties. While I'd LOVE to share more details....I can't. I've shared with some of you privately, however, for safety reasons I can not publicly post at this time. I think you are all smart enough to put 2 and 2 together, so I'm guessing you'll probably know what I'm referring too. Please keep us in your prayers! There is a lot of change that comes with marriage, with a new start and getting to know each other. Not only do GL & I have that facing us, but some other rather large curves coming at the same time. Please....just pray :)

I often find myself overwhelmed with the planning and blending my life with GL's. There just seem to be 50 gazillion details and 30 minutes to get it all done! I know I'm not the only one experiencing this! More recently I'm finding myself utterly overwhelmed by what the future holds for GL & myself. There are just things I can't even begin to comprehend or wrap my arms around. I have to remind myself that God has a plan and God will give me the strength to face the road ahead. I also have to slow down and enjoy the time and days I have with GL right now! But no matter how busy I get and how overwhelmed I might feel, my love for GL never fades. I don't express it enough, but I am so thankful to God for bringing him into my life, for giving me the honor to marry this man and spend the rest of my life loving him. He respects me, which is something I haven't always been used to. He loves me even on my crabby, stressed out days. He still thinks I'm beautiful (therefore I still think he's on drugs!). I miss him when he's gone and just can't seem to spend enough time with him. When I'm with him, it never seems to fail that time just flies by!

I found this picture online a while back and it most definitely expresses what I feel for GL. Not only do I love this man with everything inside of me and with a love I've never known before, I have a respect for him that words can't describe. His willingness and love to be in the Army, to continue to serve, to continue to fight for my freedom and for yours....amazes me each and every day. To him it's his job, it's his life, it's what he loves. I will never be able to fully comprehend that job, nor do I really want to. I just know it takes a certain person to do that job and he does it well. Yes, I will brag, I think he's worth bragging about! :)

Happy Thursday and sorry for the lengthy post! I hope you enjoy the upcoming weekend, I'm excited that GL is actually home and we have engagement pictures on Saturday and then celebrating Father's Day on Sunday.

I realize this is becoming more and more a blog about my life and not as much just about Faith. I hope I'm not loosing your interest. My plan is to continue and at some point get a blog makeover and have pics of the whole gang. I have to come up with a new clever name for the blog. I'd welcome any suggestions :)

Have a wonderful weekend!